Confessions of a TL in training

Ok. So I have now written two blogs. I decided to frighten myself by looking at HeyJude- and it worked. But it also inspired me. I have been frozen by a fear of the unknown and now that I have looked at some Blogs and written my own I no longer feel afraid. In fact it all seems a little bit fun - due to the possibilities to be creative and for thinking - which for nerdy folk ... is fun. I feel like Kuhlthau would have a field day looking into my brain to see the affective stages I have gone through to get to this point. I think I have over indulged in the anxiety phase. But I had a glass of red wine tonight and sat in front of my laptop. (Not recommended for students) I don't drink much or often so one glass has had the desired effect of false courage. Anyone would think that typing my thoughts down was some act of great courage. Funny thing is... I was watching a program on mountain gorillas which of course featured Dian Fossy. That woman has filled me with awe since I saw the film Gorillas in the Mist. Outstanding!!! I have some stuff to deal with in terms of my own learning. Some self examination that is about as fun as root canal therapy. It's hardly going to change the world, save lives or inspire anyone - but it is important to me.
It seems I have developed a strategy of avoiding things I think might belong in the too hard basket. Things I don't think I have the ability to do. I let it build up until it has become much bigger in my imagination than it could ever be in reality.
Hey - here I am examining my own learning. If I don't make it through this course I will at least have learnt a great lesson. I need to face my fears, worries and concerns immediately and decisively so that they don't take on a life of their own. I need to accept when I have done something incorrectly and find ways to correct it.
I don't know why or when exactly I developed this behaviour - but I am determined to correct it. I will make sure that in the DEFINING section of my own information searches I will question and seek help until I feel that I have a clear understanding of what to do. My strategy of struggling alone in silence when there are people who can and will help is ridiculous.
Unfortunately I apply this unhelpful strategy to many areas of my life. Time to get my act together. I wouldn't have thought that doing a university course could have such a profound effect.
I need to develop new strategies and ways of thinking.
Twice now I have thought about giving up on this course. But I don't quit - I torture myself - but I don't quit. I won't give up on this unless the university gives up on me.
I am going to put aside the embarrassment I feel regarding my fears and worries and make a pact with myself to do things differently.
Speaking of which ... I will now go to bed early and try to get a good night's sleep before teaching my ESL students about present perfect continuous.